thoughts on a bad day

it's wednesday

my eyes are tired and glazed from the artificial glow of my computer screen 

my back aches

my head hurts

from these longs days in this strange place where I sit in a 6'x6' box with three sides

and have a cushion for my wrists 

and call it 'success'

it's been raining for four days 

the good kind of rain that helps you think 

and lets you cry 

for sometimes, the world is heavy

and i feel its weight on my shoulders 

for no good reason at all, except perhaps the breaking of my heart for the broken world

and forgetting, as i always do, that i cannot carry its weight 

another 'mass shooting'

feels normal 

it's wednesday, after all

i'm connected but not affected

i'm aware but not a part 

today, i am removed, but tomorrow, who knows?

coping

i drink a glass of water and lay on my bed in the dark

until the pain behind my eyes is gone 

then i turn on slow jazz

for no good reason at all, except perhaps it is what i want to hear 

a complexity of rhythms and melodies and harmonies

tension 

and then, resolution

i get up and stretch out on my yoga mat 

wishing for just a minute i could hold my soul outside my body

and keep it healthy with a 30-day YouTube video series 

maybe then i would not so easily forget

maybe then i would not so easily stray

the dull, familiar pain in my abdomen

reminds me of the ritual cleansing from the old, the worn out, the useless

this space inside me, an opportunity for reconciliation 

for becoming new 

i am content 

re-purposed 

i get up and make myself soup 

and grilled cheese, because it reminds me of home 

and sit on the floor with my hands in my lap

imagining the world and all its broken pieces, and my own soul

so desperately and constantly in need of grace 

it's wednesday 

and it is raining

for no good reason at all, except perhaps because sometimes, the world is heavy