life: in progress

One of the great things about being new to an area is there is so much to explore, do, and see! It's fantastic, right? Right. Unless you suffer from decision paralysis. Let me tell you, this is a new phenomenon in my life, and it is no joke. I don't have many weekend commitments right now, so my typical Thursday-Sunday will go something like this: Thursday: Oh yes! It's almost the weekend! What should I do this weekend? Maybe I'll go for a hike. Maybe I'll rent a kayak and get out on the sound. Oooh maybe I could go skiing! Snowshoeing! Ah I've got it, I'll head to the Olympic coast, watch the waves, be moody. OR I could go to Portland. Everyone is going to Portland it's such a hip thing to do. I could get an Airbnb for the night. There's also this music venue I could go to. Really cool. I love live music, and this singer/songwriter's Instagram feed is on point.   Friday: Ok, I've narrowed it down. I'm either going to Portlan...

I'm afraid of living a boring life. More specifically, a life that other people think is boring. I rarely ever get bored with my own life, at least in the short term. I make plans, think of things to do, go on a bike ride, experiment with new recipes, read books, write down my thoughts. Sometimes I want to get out and see new places and sometimes I just want to wear my soft moccasins in a space that feels comfortable and familiar. It's a balance for sure, and I think it's different for everyone, but for me, the days of wanting to feel cozy and comfortable outnumber the days I want to be on the move and experiencing new things. At least that's what I thought up until recently. I've been revisiting this assumption because, this past year, I sincerely felt the need to uproot myself from the things I defined as secure and steady and reliable and to deliberately enter into a season of change, risk, instability, movement, freedom, and growth. I've been trying to art...

[Note: I talk about God in this post. (S)he is a very real and active force in my life and I didn't feel that I could write this post without discussing that. However, I want to acknowledge that it may be alienating and painful for some, especially those who have been hurt by the church or anyone who professes the name of God without professing the love of God.] There’s a book study out there called The Eight Feelings , written by Chip Dodd. In the book, the eight core feelings (from which all other feelings branch out) are hurt, lonely, sad, anger, fear, shame, guilt, and glad. I went through this study with a small group of friends and can assure you that, although naming and discussing feelings felt like marriage counseling 60% of the time, it was actually so helpful in expressing and understanding my own emotions. I don’t think the idea is flawless, primarily because I refuse to accept that all my emotions are variations on these eight, although I have yet to come across on...

Enter sadness.  There are some days when I just feel the heaviness of the world. I feel in my body and soul that things are not how they should be. It seems like violence, need, hunger, and longing overwhelm all of the good. A few weeks ago, after what seemed like day after day of bad news, I sat down to try to process in words what I was feeling. It started off, "I'm not even sure what words I need to write today. I just feel a heaviness about the world. So much political noise with the midterm elections and awful words on Twitter, another mass shooting, huge wildfires in California, senseless tragic deaths, sick kids, the man downstairs shouting." As my stream of consciousness developed, I moved into the questioning phase. How do people become so violent and mean? So lost or abandoned or lonely or hateful that they kill others? (As an aside: This question led me to google which other species kill their own kind, admittedly a somewhat depressing but worthwhile bit o...

  maybe your life will work. most likely it won't at first. but that will give you poetry.  // Yrsa Daley-Ward // I made it about 200 meters out of my parents driveway when my RAV4 stalled and cut out. I was planning to leave an hour later on a 4,000 mile journey from Maryland to Washington state, so you could say that the timing for a breakdown--of either my car or my mental state--was not ideal. I used my calm-but-panicked voice and called my dad for help. We got the car started and back in the driveway, and thankfully, the whole episode turned out to be a weird side effect of my disconnecting the battery the night before while attempting (unsuccessfully) to install a new radio. That's a story for another time but the lesson I learned is don't overreact and also just pay professionals to do the things you don't know how to do. When I finally got on the road a few hours later, it was just in time for DC rush hour combined with a steady summer rain and I could...

it's wednesday my eyes are tired and glazed from the artificial glow of my computer screen  my back aches my head hurts from these longs days in this strange place where I sit in a 6'x6' box with three sides and have a cushion for my wrists  and call it 'success' it's been raining for four days  the good kind of rain that helps you think  and lets you cry  for sometimes, the world is heavy and i feel its weight on my shoulders  for no good reason at all, except perhaps the breaking of my heart for the broken world and forgetting, as i always do, that i cannot carry its weight  another 'mass shooting' feels normal  it's wednesday, after all i'm connected but not affected i'm aware but not a part  today, i am removed, but tomorrow, who knows? coping i drink a glass of water and lay on my bed in the dark until the pain behind my eyes is gone  then i turn on slow jazz for no good ...